Pre-warning; this post talks an excessive amount about semen.
Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock for the last year, you’ve probably seen Nicole Sherzinger faking an orgasm in a taxi, a temple, a train, in bed with Lewis Hamilton, a bath…
Just in case you haven’t, here’s the low down on Müller’s latest TV adverts. Nicole Shitslinger is eating a yogurt. It’s so damn delicious and whatever other adjective that gives you a boner that she starts to have an orgasm. She’s moaning and writhing and it’s basically a porno but she’s clothed and it’s yoghurt instead of some studs semen. She gets so into the yogurt that she falls off her chair/taxi seat/knocks over a greek temple and then says some ‘clever’ pun like Müller-licious.
Well. Firstly. It’s not Müller-licious. Muller yogurts are shit. There’s never enough topping for all the yogurt. And they’re lumpy. Like (what I imagine) some studs semen in a porno would taste like.
Secondly. It’s the 21st century, and a company like Müller is STILL using sex to sell? Not only to sell, but to sell fucking yogurt? Like? REALLY? Nicole Sheserfanger is, for lack of a better expression, fit as fuck. Just her holding a yogurt is enough for prepubescent teens to have a fap, and then eat a yogurt (hopefully not at the same time – confusion of substance would be disastrous).
It annoys me enough to tweet about it, but my 17 year old sister had some sort of sudden realisation about emails a few weeks ago, and decided to take a stand against sexy yoghurts, and sent a polite email to Müller. They didn’t reply, so she sent this gem;
So I emailed you last week, after seeing your most recent advert of Nicole Scherzinger making sexual noises in the back of a train, which I’ve had no reply to. I’m not emailing because I think it’s too obscene or whatever, I just don’t understand why? Like do you really need someone to make sexual noises holding a yoghurt to sell your product?? Is the only way you can actually sell a pot of yoghurt is to get a woman to pretend she’s sexually aroused while eating it? Have you ever seen a woman eating yoghurt? I’m all for open expression of female sexuality, but if we’ve really reached the days where i have to watch a woman pretend to orgasm in a yoghurt advert for LITERALLY no reason, then this whole “sex sells” concept is going to rot my brain down to the type of mushy crap you’re trying to sell to me.
Damn. I genuinely couldn’t be prouder! My baby sis who I damaged frequently during her youth (She fits in a standard size dishwasher incase you where wondering) is all grown up, and taking a stand against the concept of “sex sells”! To quote her; “I can handle sex sells to a certain extent, but apparently yogurt is my breaking point”.
It took just over a week, but here is Müller’s reply;
Dear Flora
Thank you for your message and your interest in our current TV advert.
We always hope that the Müller campaigns will create discussion relating to the brand, however are sorry to learn that this particular TV advert has not been to your satisfaction.
I am sure as you will appreciate, details regarding our campaigns are confidential. We nevertheless take all your comments on board and value your feedback, which will assist for future campaigns.
Thank you again for your email.
Regards
Customer Relations Team
“Details regarding our campaigns are confidential” ???? To quote Connor, “which bits confidential, the bit on TV or the other bit on TV” ?! My sisters immediate response was a series of angry Facebook messages to me starting with “Müller can choke and die” and ending with “I am integral in the war against Müller”…
Basically, they didn’t really give a proper response. It was more than likely an automated response. The problem is, I’m not sure what’s worse – a yogurt company admitting that they used sex to sell yogurt, or not admitting it when it’s pretty clear that’s what they did. Either way, they look like massive dickwads, so I sort of understand why they sent my sister such a useless reply.
Does anyone remember that advert where the cow runs along the beach like a horse? That advert was fucking class! That advert was enough for me to want to buy a shitty Müller yoghurt and think happy thoughts about a happy cow that got it’s tits squeezed for my dessert!
But, they went and shat all over that. I took to Twitter to see how other people feel about this, and it turns out my sister and I are not alone in our feelings;
Turns out, quite a lot of people want to call Müller out on their recent advertising fuckery. The only way I can see her having an orgasm making yoghurt sales soar is because straight men struggle making women orgasm and a yoghurt in the bedroom might help….. !!!?! When discussing it with my sister, she pointed out that the adverts could also be seen to be hinting that yogurt is some sort of female viagra…!!!?!!!!!!!!!
My sister summarised things pretty accurately with the statement – “I’m all for open expression of female sexuality, but if we’ve really reached the days where i have to watch a woman pretend to orgasm in a yoghurt advert for LITERALLY no reason, then this whole “sex sells” concept is going to rot my brain down to the type of mushy crap you’re trying to sell to me.”
She asked me to include the fact that she doesn’t really care about obscenity “and what not” she just “rues the day that orgasms where needed to sell yogurts, and I curse the day whoever came up with that concept was born” …
Basically, it’s really shitty that a company that sells yogurt feels the need to make adverts like this. It’s really shitty that Shingslongerson goes along with it – especially as it’s basically a copy of those adverts where she orgasms in the shower over shampoo. Maybe it’s her fault! Maybe she’s the root of orgasm advertising! Why she would ever agree to it is a mystery. (…Money)
So the moral of the story is my 17 year old sister is more clued in about advertising, whats appropriate and representations of female sexuality than Müller’s marketing team.
And what I learnt/took from the adverts is the Müller marketing team seem to think a product will sell if it will help straight men give women orgasms, because, as we all know, they’re pretty incapable of doing it without some help.
*fingers snap in z shape* mmmhmmmmmm
Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinions 
I am from Malta and here we get Italian channels on TV for free. Lol Muller? Really? Try a couple of Italian channels and you’ll have a serious idea of how ANYTHING, EVERYTHING and their GRANNY are sexualised to induce buyers to spend their money. It’s so obvious and pathetic, but this state of affairs is still going on. 😦 I wonder if it will ever really stop.
Sex continues to sell and until the buyers’ attitude itself changes, why should the advertising and the media ever end the attitude themselves? One could say ‘But it’s just the Italians right? They are sex-crazed and Latino’ and that shit. But it’s not just Italy, or Malta, or even just Europe for that matter. Look at Islam and all the darn rules they have which ultimately show how afraid they are of sex – they can’t even look at a woman’s face or hair for gods sakes! Why one earth is sex still such a big deal? Everyone does it, wants it, needs it. It’s a normal function and part of life. One doesn’t impose rules (religious or otherwise) to regulate taking a dump! So why should we have this hype about something which should actually be so simple?
Sorry for the rant ;p
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