Deepest apologies for the lack of posts, but I’m a bloody adult now and I go to work every day and my trains are always delayed and I get home late and grumble about bills and check my emails OKAY????? #adulthood #mature
I’ve been wondering about writing this blog post for a while, and always put it off. I’m writing it for completely selfish ranty reasons, and although I really hate it when people say ‘this isn’t going to be funny’ …it’s probably not going to be funny.
But today at work (I HAVE A JOB NOW!!! Did i mention that?) I was pushed over the edge WHEN I bent down to pick something up and RRRRRIP! My millionth pair of jeans ripped in the thigh. I bought these jeans THREE MONTHS AGO! Three fucking months! And I’ve already worn them down enough that they’ve ripped? Seriously???
The only pair of jeans that have lasted me more than a year are the American Apparel Easy Jeans, which sadly cost about £80. And even they only lasted me just over a year? I’ve bought jeans from New Look, Topshop, American Eagle and Dorothy Perkins and ALL OF THEM SPLIT AT THE FUCKING THIGH!!!!
If you know me well, you’ll know I always have a fucking rip in my trousers. Be it a little one, or a massive gash that means I accidentally flash dutch men in the office, or just really worn and about to split. Why the fuck does this happen to me??? No one else’s thighs are bursting out of their jeans???
What I really don’t understand is, do I have fucking massive demon thighs, or are highstreet jeans just shite!? Ladies of the internet, please let me know if you have this problem so I know I’m not the only weirdo with who’s chub rubs away denim?!?!
(Another £35 from Topshop down the fucking drain)
What makes this all even more stressful is I quite like my legs! (For anyone who just thought ‘mmm bit arrogant!’ go fuck yourself – maybe if you paid yourself more compliments you wouldn’t have such a problem with me complimenting myself) I often get complimented on them and when the disgusting pigs of this word cat call me, it’s normally about my legs. (One time a man in a van just shouted “legs” – the simplicity of the ‘compliment’ was more than likely due to his four brain cells not being able to say anything more than that) And then, I buy jeans, erode them away, and end up wondering if it’s because my thighs are too fat?! Is this why people are desperate for a thigh gap???
When I think about my jean thigh issues, I almost imagine myself like in a cartoon, when the character moves too quickly and causes a fire. I imagine that my thighs are so big, and rubbing together with such force, that when I fast walk I might at any moment burst into flames. I actually use it as an excuse with myself not to run for the bus.
(Me after I’ve tried to run for the bus)
My thighs are so strong, they can erode denim in less than three months. Half of me is horribly depressed by this thought, and half of me is empowered. Fuck yeah! My thighs can erode fucking denim bitch! You wanna fight? I’ll get my thighs out!!!! Erode you away!
But anyway. I’m writing this post because I’m sick of buying shit jeans that wear away after £30. Please someone reply to this telling me about magical jeans for people with power thighs? Or some way to get around this? (as long as it doesn’t involve exercise or healthy eating *shovels doritos in mouth whilst moaning my thighs burst trousers*) I’m sick of wasting money on shitty jeans and I’m sick of wondering if I have horrible fat thighs. I need the fucking supersuit Edna Mode makes in the incredibles that doesn’t tear no matter how fast she runs. If you know where to get that, please inform me ASAP.
Monster thighs, over and out.