Why do I feel like I should hate my body when I don’t?

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I am going to a friend’s wedding this weekend, which I am SO SO excited about. It’s been on my mind pretty much all month and I cannot waaaaait. My lil bubble of happiness was somewhat burst yesterday when I thought ‘better try my dress on quick’ to see what I want to wear with it etc. Above is the only snap I can find of me in said dress, after a few too many visits to the open bar, ruining a nice family photo. Heh heh.

And… it wouldn’t do up. I wore it last summer for a wedding (am I getting to that age? Christ…) and I honestly felt amazing in it. I don’t often have my chest on display, but in this v v low cut dress, I just felt ace. It’s floor length and has a beautiful flower pattern and floaty sleeves. It’s a beautiful dress. I asked my bf to help me do it up and… nope. That little zip would not close.

I’ve always said it’s not about the size of the clothes, it’s about how they look, but for some reason I just can’t practice what I preach. I felt like a complete pile of shit. I still sort of do now. I’m actually annoyed at myself for how upset I feel over this.

It’s just a dress! I have like three other ones I can wear! I tried on a different one and felt great in it! … Still can’t shake the shitty feeling. I think it’s because I can’t face that I won’t feel amazing in that dress again unless I lose weight. But the thing is, I don’t want to lose weight? Not for superficial reasons anyway. I’ve given up sugary drinks (full sugar coke I still love you and I’m sorry) and I’m attempting couch to 5k, the running programme, but more so I can feel fitter and healthier. Weight loss is not high on my list of priorities. I don’t hate my body, like at all. I enjoy buying clothes at whatever size looks good on me, I don’t worry about clothes being ‘flattering’ (my bf actually dislikes one of my dresses because it’s so unflattering on me…). I’m not unhappy when I look in the mirror, clothed or naked.

Why do I suddenly feel like I need to lose weight for that dress? Other dresses look great on me? It reminded me of Hannah Witton’s blog that I read recently – she did a wardrobe clear out, but kept a few bits that she couldn’t bear to part with, even though they don’t fit her anymore. Is keeping things ‘just in case’ a bad mentality? She argues either she’ll lose weight and be happy they fit or be tormented. This is how I feel about my dress – I don’t think I can bear to let go of it, because it’s just so beautiful and I felt so amazing in it. But now, every time I look at it, I’ll be reminded of how I felt last night when I tried it on. Shit. Fat. Unattractive. Now I’m not sure how to feel about the dress or what to do with it.

I’m not sure how I feel about the whole situation. I feel differently towards food today – normally I’d pick up a lil snack on the way to work or have more food in my bag than I currently do. I feel differently towards that dress, but I honestly don’t think I can get rid of it. I feel like I should be in the mentality of ‘I need to lose weight to fit back in that dress’ but I really do not feel like that. It’s so fucking shitty that I know full well I don’t want to lose weight and I’m happy with my body, but that because one dress now doesn’t fit me, I feel like shit. Any tips for combatting this feeling/what I should do with the dress would be v appreciated. xoxo, Grace.

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2 comments

  1. Its so hard and such a shit feeling. For years I kept so many of my clothes that didn’t fit. In my head I told myself it was just because they were so nice and I didn’t want to get rid of them but really it was in the hope that id fit into them once again. It took me a lot of courage to get rid of them but when I did I felt so much better, like a weight had been lifted. Obviously it’s up to you but what I will say is that you’ll always find another dress you love equally and even if you do fit into the dress again (because no one’s weight stays the same forever!) You might find that it just makes you think of that feeling you got when you tried it on…

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  2. I am in this place too. I can’t get rid of 2 lovely dresses because they remind me when I was a Slimming World fanatic at ‘target weight’ and I felt so in control and empowered. Now I can’t even squeeze into them … and yet, like you say, I now don’t feel motivated to do anything about losing weight. Perhaps because for the first time I actually feel quite OK with myself and who I am. Should I lose weight for others then?? As an occasional freelancer at agencies I do feel the pressure to look fairly good… and yet … and yet … I dunno. I really can’t be bothered to count every bite or sip that goes in my mouth. I love the dresses. I’d love to get back in the dresses. I can’t throw them out but I can’t see myself ever getting back into them again. If you find an answer please share.

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